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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127012">Now</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Big Bang (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, How Do I Tag, I hope?, M/M, nah, reposting, some dark shit, this is my attempt to write angsty shit with a good ending, was it good though?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 06:34:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,644</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Can you live without a will to?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kang Daesung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">Inspired by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA">Saturn by Sleeping At Last</a> a beautiful song that has been supporting me through my days recently.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Can you live with a breath alone? Can you live with body, perfectly fit, with castle as a house? Can you live with a mother? A family? Friends? People?</strong> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>Can you live without a will to?</strong> </em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The world is collapsing down. And if he is really lucky, the building will too. But he is not, he rarely is. Probably just once or twice or thrice…certainly not these days. Not anymore, not that he still deserves the genie in the bottle anyway. Seunghyun’s forte is to forsake. To fly, to run. Ever since he was a kid, he’d do just that. From school, from people, from things. Vacant stare, volatile, all his ammunition to hide under. <em>Don’t look at me</em>, he’d plead, in silence though. <em>Don’t watch</em>.</p>
<p>“Hyung.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun’s step falters, the needy voice in his head demands him to turn around, walk back to the exit, travel back to the starting point. He’d end up differently, maybe, if he changed his mind back then. They’d end up differently, perhaps.</p>
<p>The thought causes sour to his taste buds and he greets back cowardly.</p>
<p>“Daesung.”</p>
<p>It’s the smile, the very thing Seunghyun had been longing about him, that feels of a stranger. It’s sarcastic, judgmental. It’s façade, the fabric of a mockery. In any other case where he’s braver, better than he is now, Seunghyun would wipe it off of Daesung’s face, with his hand, with his eyes, with his mouth, perhaps. Anything to give back the look of sincerity, the concern he never managed to hide when it came to Seunghyun.</p>
<p>Things are different, Seunghyun reminds himself.</p>
<p>“How are you?” Daesung asks, simple, plain. Daring.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Seunghyun shrugs, feeling incongruous, so tall and big and contrast. Funny, a clown of nature.</p>
<p>“Great,” Daesung fixes his hair, longer than the last time Seunghyun saw him, lighter color, the shades of brown. Things are different now. “Are you done?”</p>
<p><em>With what</em>? Seunghyun retorts in his head. <em>The meeting? The talking? Life? You?</em></p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Drink with me?”</p>
<p>The offer stands between them like a ticking bomb. Seunghyun is holding the trigger and he can’t find if Daesung was the one planting down the bomb or he was the good cop trying to save the day. Seunghyun does, for sure, know that he himself is the bad guy.</p>
<p>“I’m kind of craving for bed,” he ends up answering. Not really a no, not really a yes. He doesn’t have heart anymore.</p>
<p>Something in Daesung’s eyes shift, so fast Seunghyun can’t quite understand what’s happening. He doesn’t have the courage to ask either. He doesn’t have any courage left to do many things, he had done a bet, a gamble and he’d lost. That’s just how it is, the reason why you shouldn’t put everything into a game where your rate of succeeding is only 50%.</p>
<p>“You must be tired.”</p>
<p>“I am.”</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Daesung.”</p>
<p>“Any plans for tomorrow?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun doesn’t want a tomorrow. “No.”</p>
<p>“Then drink? Tomorrow?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun is not supposed to have another day. “Oh.”</p>
<p>“Was that a yes?”</p>
<p>“I have to…” Seunghyun’s words tangled in his mouth like spider web. “Meeting.”</p>
<p>“Tomorrow too?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“What time?”</p>
<p>“Around now?”</p>
<p>Daesung opens his mouth to say something but decides to against it halfway. Seunghyun waits, respectful and trying to read but he can never guess Daesung’s thought as much as Daesung could know his. Daesung, whom he’d known for years, whom he’d been spending times with. Daesung, who took his heart carefully and put it back to his hands the day he found out that they could hurt other people with their feelings to each other. Daesung, who told him that he’d watch Seunghyun’s back. Daesung, who had congratulated him and let him disappear with his girlfriend.</p>
<p>Well, his ex-girlfriend, now.</p>
<p>“Then I’ll bring the wine.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun follows him with his gaze until Daesung is out of the door. This time, he’s not the one who turn away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seunghyun feels like a ghost, a phantom limb. A tale everyone is talking about, something that never quite made to a real thing. He cannot will himself to present, he cannot change himself transparent enough. Daesung is waiting outside, because he had said so. Seunghyun is not a kid, not innocent enough to believe something spoken so <em>hush</em> it resembled a wind. If he does believe it, it’s because he needs something to make sure that he still has sanity in his mind.</p>
<p>In retrospect, nobody with sanity will try to die as he’d done.</p>
<p>“Seunghyun?” someone speaks.</p>
<p>“Yes,” he answers, cannot fathom the question. “Yes.” <em>Yes</em> is expected from him these days, it’s hardly important to think before giving out responses to what people accused him to anymore.</p>
<p>“Okay, Seunghyun.”</p>
<p>
  <em>What is?</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hyung.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun blinks. “Me.”</p>
<p>“You,” Daesung’s expression turns bitter, then blank. “Done?”</p>
<p>“I hope.”</p>
<p>“I hope so too.”</p>
<p>The way he said it, <em>fuck</em>, Seunghyun swallows back a sob. Hope is doing nothing in this world, no longer in his world. Hope is something distant, something he cannot even see with telescope and hope is not going to come around every 76 years like Hailey’s Comet.</p>
<p>“Don’t.”</p>
<p>Daesung looks at him as if he understands. “Okay. Do you want to sit down?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun steps closer to him, awkward, hesitant.</p>
<p>“I’m glad that you’re around.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun nods.</p>
<p>“I miss you.”</p>
<p>It’s spoken with such toxin that kills Seunghyun’s ability to think, to move. He cannot walk, forward or backward. He cannot shift, left or right. He is there, dead and alive and breathing. Coping with not even a half of himself.</p>
<p>“I miss you, hyung,” Daesung repeats and there’s no mistake of the punishment in his eyes even though Seunghyun can’t pinpoint exactly the reason why. Daesung is always –<em>was always</em> –that calm water, a shore to land. Things change but this cannot be one of them.</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Do you?” Daesung pours himself a drink but not Seunghyun. He is not offering Seunghyun a distraction. His punishment is simply living a life Seunghyun had tried to throw away so forcefully. “<em>Miss</em>?”</p>
<p>“You,” Seunghyun finishes his sentence after a thought.</p>
<p>“You,” Daesung laughs, it’s all fake and forced. “Yourself.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun’s throat aches painfully. “Me?”</p>
<p>“You, before it all.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>Daesung looks at him, slow and cautious, pondering a moment then shakes his head. “You don’t.”</p>
<p>“I <em>know</em>.”</p>
<p>“You don’t,” Daesung insists, reaching a glass finally, offering Seunghyun a way out. “You have no idea.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They meet again.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Daesung greets him with a smile, still something Seunghyun doesn’t recognize from their past. “Hyung.”</p>
<p>“Hi,” Seunghyun says, exhausted even with the bare minimum of work. Another day keeps coming, nothing is slowing down. He is convincing himself that <em>everything</em> is moving on but he’s not even halfway to be ready for it. He really does miss himself. Before.</p>
<p>“Another…talk?”</p>
<p>“They wanted to ask me,” Seunghyun draws a long breath. “If I’m still in.”</p>
<p>“In?”</p>
<p>“Or out,” Seunghyun gestures wildly to their surroundings. Here, the building he’s been so familiar with. There, rooms and stuff he’s been given and had used. Somewhere, people.</p>
<p>“Hmm.”</p>
<p>“Music.”</p>
<p>“Us,” Daesung understands.</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>Neither of them can find the question to ask about Seunghyun’s decision.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’re crawling under his skin, mostly at night. It’s the easiest, the perfect time. All methods are suggesting secrets, serene and peaceful. Seunghyun can’t shake it off, can’t put it off. He can’t shut his brain up. He can’t ask for anyone either.</p>
<p>“Hyung.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Seunghyun’s tongue rolls effectively. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“What,” Daesung doesn’t ask.</p>
<p>“Nothing.”</p>
<p>“You’re inside.”</p>
<p>“Kind of.”</p>
<p>“Hyung,” Daesung knocks, <em>finally</em>. The door Seunghyun has been leaning upon vibrates. “Seunghyun hyung.”</p>
<p>It’s so easy to give up. Seunghyun tries the handle and braces himself from exposure.</p>
<p>“I’ve been looking for you,” Daesung meets his eyes, there’s honest fear in his eyes but Seunghyun’s mind plays trick all the time now. “You’ve been...here.”</p>
<p><em>Here</em> is a strange word. Here is supposed to be a place, a time, an event. Nothing like that in Seunghyun’s life anymore. Nothing is even close to that anymore.</p>
<p>“I thought –” Daesung cuts himself mid–sentence, caught. “You went home.”</p>
<p>“Home,” Seunghyun pretends. “I’d love to.”</p>
<p>“Later,” Daesung nods. “We have to go.”</p>
<p>“Go.”</p>
<p>“Hyung.”</p>
<p>“No,” Seunghyun says warily. Cautious, conscious, aware. “Daesung, you have to go.”</p>
<p>Daesung gasps at him, stunned. Stung too, perhaps, he looks pained. “We.”</p>
<p>“I’d just –I need some air,” Seunghyun puts up a reason. “I’m not ready yet.”</p>
<p>“To what?” Daesung is <em>definitely</em> mad now. It’s a rare sight, even to Seunghyun. Daesung was always to quick down his rage, covering up with anything but shout. “You said that you’d be in.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t say that to you.”</p>
<p>Daesung takes a step back as if Seunghyun had slapped him. “No,” he manages after a few breaths. “They told me.”</p>
<p>“You’re not them,” Seunghyun is panicking, his heart is beating too loud.</p>
<p>“Of course,” Daesung squares his shoulder. “It’s not my fault.”</p>
<p>The old Seunghyun would retort at that. The new Seunghyun is collapsing atop his collection of mess there’s not enough space to draw an air. “It’s not.”</p>
<p>Daesung’s head shot up so fast. “Hyung,” his voice is small and he does seem small, as tiny as the first time. Seunghyun wants nothing but to crawl into him, tucking himself inside him until the world’s axis is fixed so he won’t be no longer tumbling everytime he threaten to crawl.</p>
<p>“It’s not your fault,” Seunghyun’s heart breaks like a dam, like fever, so hot and pulsing and maddening. Frightening, even, he has to place his hand on the wall to keep himself from falling. “It’s mine. I’ve failed.”</p>
<p>Daesung’s eyes go wide. Then wild and he’s closer than he’s ever been since their separation, closer than anyone’s ever been since Seunghyun’s <em>attempt</em> because apparently death is contagious just as much as smile does.</p>
<p>“What did you do?” Daesung’s hand closes around his wrist, clenching with a force of fear. “What did you do, hyung?”</p>
<p>“Nothing,” Seunghyun lets the pain soothe him. It’s oddly comforting, to feel hurt and knowing that it’s because someone is trying to save him. “Really.”</p>
<p>“Did you want to?” The question is scandalized, silhouette of a trust. Or distrust, probably. "Now?"</p>
<p>“Kind of,” Seunghyun doesn’t have any strength to hide his shame. “I need some space.”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>And Daesung is kissing him, or rather trying to eat him alive, Seunghyun can’t tell. Daesung’s hands is everywhere, from his wrist, to his shoulders, to his neck, to his ears, everywhere and real and painfully burning Seunghyun alive with touches.</p>
<p>“Don’t, hyung.”</p>
<p>It’s darkness then and the door is closed behind him but he’s not alone this time.</p>
<p>It feels like a dance, really, an old one. The way Daesung’s fingers are tangled in his hair, scratching his skin, lighting alight his insides and leaving marks, perhaps. Seunghyun wishes for that though, the way he keeps wishing these days, always starting them with an <em>if</em>, whispers and all for wishes are meant to be kept inside. He shudders involuntarily when Daesung’s hands slide to his cheeks, bracketing, holding his face in place also his entirety mostly, since it’s real hard to find any recently. In this moment, when he is the most lost in his life, when he’s falling and falling and falling, Seunghyun finds the space where he belongs. He lets a sigh escape but it might be a sob since Daesung’s eyes shine with worry almost immediately. He doesn’t want to be told that it’s okay, he doesn’t need to be given condolences, to be anchored with apologies. He is already a burden even long before it happened, he has nothing left in him to convince himself that this is not going to be his last straw of self–restraint.</p>
<p>Daesung draws him for a gentler kiss, in a kiss that takes Seunghyun’s breath away and Seunghyun can’t tame himself to be ashamed enough <em>not</em> to steal air from Daesung’s mouth, hands greedy to touch, to feel. The possibility to keep Daesung like this –to have him near enough that when darkness come, he’d still be able to sense the heat –blinds him and he chokes out a laugh. Daesung’s mouth moves to his neck and stays, still and waiting until Seunghyun’s chest heaves out ridiculously, tears unbinding and rolling on those rosy cheeks to his chin.</p>
<p>“Hush,” Daesung says and only now Seunghyun realizes that he is shaking <em>too</em>. “Hyung.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun’s heart clenches painfully and sobs are wrecking him from the inside, wearing him down, dragging his body and Daesung’s to <em>be</em> a mess on the floor. Somewhere far in his mind registers the fact that they’re in a room, the only light that makes it inside is one seeping through the gap of the door and the floor. Seunghyun’s back is against the wall and he can make out the line of an abandoned lone chair in the corner of the room. His breathing is slowing down until it’s near a peace when Daesung speaks again.</p>
<p>“They’re probably looking for us.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun makes a content noise in the back of his throat and it’s Daesung’s turn to laugh.</p>
<p>“Of course I care,” Daesung rolls his eyes fondly, still sitting in between Seunghyun’s sprawled out legs. “Jiyong will kill us.”</p>
<p>“<em>Me</em>,” Seunghyun corrects absent–mindedly, reaching out to feel Daesung’s skin with his fingertips. “Let him. Let everyone.”</p>
<p>Daesung falls forward to catch Seunghyun’s next words, greedily swallowing them all into him. His tongue intrudes inside and robs Seunghyun’s sorrow desperately. “Shut up,” he warns. “Stop.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun backs away with force but cannot go very much away. Daesung chases him with strength, cuffs him with sadness, lining them up chest to chest. Seunghyun has nowhere else to look at but up.</p>
<p>“You’re thinking so loud,” Daesung worries the skin on his shoulder, his hands are warmly undoing Seunghyun’s shirt. “Sshhh.”</p>
<p>“What if I can’t?” Seunghyun arches his back to allow the youngest to bare him, still looking at the ceiling. He doesn’t trust his heart enough to see the other yet, he can’t close his eyes because he knows he will be imagining the scene happening in the back of his eyelids. “What if I can’t stop?”</p>
<p>“You have to,” Daesung grazes his teeth across Seunghyun’s light nipple and the later gives out a sharp intakes of breath. “Look at me, look at <em>this.</em>”</p>
<p>Seunghyun shakes his head. “I can’t.”</p>
<p>“Hyung,” Daesung’s palms are hot on his waist, dangerously slipping inside his jeans although not very far. “You can.”</p>
<p>“I can’t,” Seunghyun is trembling in earnest, there are thunders in his ears and the ground beneath him is cracking fault lines. “I can’t, you’ll disappear.”</p>
<p>“I won’t,” Daesung traces patterns along his spine until he finds Seunghyun’s nape. He presses a kiss on Seunghyun’s jaw, Seunghyun’s cheek, Seunghyun’s forehead, Seunghyun’s nose, everywhere he can reach. When Seunghyun’s tense bleed out and his head lolls forward a little, he repeats his promise, “I’m here.”</p>
<p>“Will you?” Seunghyun smiles, his eyes are still shutting tight. “Will anything?”</p>
<p>Daesung can’t answer to that. He knows certainly how things break all the time. It’s in sayings, it’s in metaphors, it’s everywhere and he’s been living a life where he can’t break free from it. He can’t assure himself, let alone Seunghyun. The world is spiraling down, slipping from their grasp, it’s truth. He fools the universe but he certainly won’t lie about what’s obvious.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he manages to murmur. “I don’t <em>fucking</em> know.”</p>
<p>To hell with his inability to make things better, Seunghyun is looking at him, finally.</p>
<p>“You’re here,” his voice is soft, has gone raw with pain, threatening to leave, to never coming back. Daesung doesn’t know that he is moving until Seunghyun’s words are next to his ears and his chin is resting on Seunghyun’s shoulder. “You should be anywhere but here.”</p>
<p>“I’m here.” <em>I’m with you</em>, he bites himself from saying because it’s not entirely that. They’re living a reality, there’s no such thing as a place <em>only</em> for two.</p>
<p>“You’re here,” Seunghyun is flooded with relief, so untamed it draws another sob from his lungs. “Now.”</p>
<p>Now is the time. Now is something definitely happening. Now is stained with past, absolutely. Now is holding a possible hope, too. Now is that <em>please, just one more time. </em>Now is <em>that</em> chance.</p>
<p>Daesung shifts with instinct, unaware of his action until Seunghyun is laying beneath him, eyes glassy, looking at him. He puts his hand on Seunghyun’s chest, feeling the thumping of his heart with starve. It takes a while for him to realize that Seunghyun is holding his breaths.</p>
<p>“I’m here,” he bends down to kiss the older, gnawing on the lower lip with gratitude that he hopes to sting, to hurt just right, maybe it will leave scars that Seunghyun won’t forget. Maybe. “You’re here.”</p>
<p>“I am,” Seunghyun gasps when they part, fists clenching on nothing to hold on his side. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“You are,” Daesung bites him on the neck, mind hazy with anger, rage is pulsing hot in his throat. “<em>Fuck you</em>, hyung.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Seunghyun hisses quietly, grasping for Daesung’s biceps. “I’m sorry, Daesung.”</p>
<p>“Are you? Really?” Daesung slaps his hands away and it falls by his side. “Why would you?” his tone carries none of the usual tease, instead it’s so full of emotion Seunghyun rarely seen before.</p>
<p>Seunghyun nods inaudibly, his jaw goes slack when Daesung does another biting, a moan dies in his tongue.</p>
<p>“Why would you be sorry, hyung?” the cold is piercing glacier, Daesung’s hands are making its hasty way to undo Seunghyun’s jeans, torturously dragging it’s down and off of Seunghyun’s legs. “Why?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun’s replies is caught within a groan as Daesung mouths him through his boxer briefs. He wills himself to relax, to coax his mind and just lie down, perhaps counting sheep, stars, sins, whatever it takes to put his mask back. Daesung, however, is having none of it.</p>
<p>“Say it,” he speaks with venom, teeth sinking painfully slow to Seunghyun’s hips. “Speak.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Seunghyun tries to wake himself from the pleasure drowning him. “I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Say,” Daesung says again, the calmness in his voice carries a vengeance, he is drawing his sword like a soldier. It makes Seunghyun trembles with an unknown fear. In any other situation, Seunghyun is positive he will wet himself by now.</p>
<p>“Daesung…”</p>
<p>“Say,” even in the dark, Daesung’s threat can’t be mistaken. “Now.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun swallows. “Please…”</p>
<p>“<em>Now</em>.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun’s lips can’t cooperate right away but Daesung’s anger is patient, boiling hot and persistent and eternal. Its glowing hue is violet, as lovely as any sharp objects. “I –I shouldn’t.”</p>
<p>“Shouldn’t what, hmm?”</p>
<p>“Leave,” Seunghyun shuts his eyes from his own embarrassment. He can’t bear to see himself, he can’t bear to regret. He is a riot inside out and he is not going to allow anyone to see more than he already did. “I shouldn’t leave.”</p>
<p>Daesung’s lips are on his again, coaxing gently, demanding with crippling heart. “Again.”</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t leave you,” Seunghyun whimpers and cannot resist to moan, chanting his hips up when Daesung palms his cock through the thin sheet. “I shouldn’t <em>try</em> to.”</p>
<p>“Again,” Daesung breathes on his ear, palpably without mercy.</p>
<p>Seunghyun cries out when Daesung wraps his cock in a grip, sure and firm grip of his hand, finally. He has no words left of him when Daesung starts to stroke, careful and thorough, the intensity in Daesung’s eyes helps nothing to back him inside his box.</p>
<p>“<em>Again</em>, hyung.”</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t leave,” Seunghyun is hazy with lust, rapid fire is spreading under his skin like poison and he’s writhing on a floor that’s not his house, not his cocoon. “I shouldn’t leave you, I shouldn’t –I’m sorry…I –“</p>
<p>“You’re sorry?” Daesung smiles and it’s so foreign to see his face being split like that. It’s strange, Seunghyun has to double take to make sure it’s him. “You <em>feel</em> sorry? For me?”</p>
<p>“I –No, I’m sorry,” Seunghyun jolts with pleasure when Daesung’s thumb swipes on the head of his cock. “I shoudn’t leave, I’m sorry, I really am.”</p>
<p>“And what would you do?”</p>
<p>“Stay,” Seunghyun can’t even make it good enough lie to his own ears. “I’ll stay.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Daesung’s response is pumping Seunghyun’s cock harder, <em>better</em>. “Sure.”</p>
<p>“Daesung,” the name escapes Seunghyun’s lips like a prayer. “Daesung.”</p>
<p>“You will stay,” Daesung sighs, gripping tightly with his unoccupied hand onto Seunghyun’s waist. It makes Seunghyun wince and Daesung <em>really</em> smiles. “That’s what you said.”</p>
<p>“I couldn’t –”</p>
<p>“You couldn’t help it,” Daesung fixes him with a gaze and everything stops. Seunghyun is caught in a headlight, helpless deer not even breathing. “I know.”</p>
<p>The distress in his tone is evident it melts Seunghyun’s walls with agony.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Seunghyun gasps, reaches hungrily to hold the younger, fighting Daesung’s resistance with such power he doesn’t know rests within himself. “I won’t leave you. It wasn’t –”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Daesung’s hand unclenches from his cock and Seunghyun whines at the loss. He has them, trembling and shaking with anxiety on his hair a moment later, forcing him into a kiss that proceeds to burn his lungs.</p>
<p>Seunghyun doesn’t mind, at all.</p>
<p>Time passes around them silently, in private. Seunghyun lets Daesung have him, quietly and distantly observant. He feels Daesung’s edges of scattered thoughts cut him, feels the rage pouring over him like a blanket, feels the throbbing of their past mocking him fondly, gleeful. Seunghyun doesn’t need tomorrow, he doesn’t want to deserve tomorrow but Daesung does. Daesung needs him tomorrow and he is gasping for anchor too, reaching for Seunghyun to take him to another day. The horror catches up to him in tidal waves, leaving him in panic and scrambling for a hold, a purchase of Daesung, anything to touch, anything to…<em>anything</em>.</p>
<p>Daesung senses him, every step of the way. He spares no space for Seunghyun to run, to feel left out. Seunghyun’s arms are wrapped around him but he needs Seunghyun’s mind to be in the same place too. He can’t lose him again, <em>never</em> again. He can’t stand being alive with such pain to not to be sure if Seunghyun would ever wake up again. He cannot afford the grief that Seunghyun might <em>not</em> coming back. He had promised himself, <em>fuck,</em> he had promised Seunghyun that he’d be all right, that he could take it, he could watch Seunghyun’s back drifting away. He had told him that he would be okay to cut the strings binding them. He had been so sure, <em>oh</em>, just lovely how he was mistaken.</p>
<p>“Let me have you,” Daesung rasps out, surprised that he can still find his words after all. He is trading his soul, he knows, for something Seunghyun could refuse. It doesn’t matter the answer, Daesung’s heart is already a ruins. “Let me.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun is staring at him wide eyes.</p>
<p>“Let me –<em>fuck</em>, hyung,” Daesung’s chest is tight, the recognition of the emotion filling him up makes him draw a sharp gasp. The wake it spreads on his mind is blurry and ruthless. Violence, brutally attacking his senses, bruising his soul. An apple. A temptation.</p>
<p>Seunghyun’s gaze softens, his body goes pliant. It’s impossibly warm and cold and windy and soft and –he is positive that he’s floating. He is undoubtedly a havoc and he is somehow still worrying that this might be a dream but there’s no mistake in that red in Daesung’s eyes. Seunghyun had never thought of it could be a possibility, not in this life time at least. Daesung’s regret and loss are so raw it’s rubbing into his core. Daesung’s mask, now scattered and his fears are covering him, covering them both it scares Seunghyun. Daesung, who will not blink at something Seunghyun would claim as his happiness. Daesung, who would let him have everything is now open, pleading, begging for Seunghyun to come back. That it’s all occurring before his eyes, <em>for him</em> –</p>
<p>“Hyung?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun pulls him down, kissing him, grateful, hopeful. His heart swells so big it could kill him, he doesn’t mind, he won’t. There, Daesung in his arms, him in Daesung’s arms. There, a death he’s been dreaming about even though men are told not to wish for death. But he had, God knows he had. Desperate, longing, <em>foolish</em>. Daesung reads him like a book, deciphers his code patiently. Does Daesung even have any idea what kind of life Seunghyun could drag himself into?</p>
<p>“Please,” he begs, clinging onto Daesung’s lips blatantly. Transparent like a glass, holding his nightmares in his sleeves. “Yes.”</p>
<p>Daesung’s blinks at him owlishly, mumbling an <em>okay</em> almost like an after–thought. He repeats it though, <em>okays</em> and <em>hyungs </em>throughout his exploration of Seunghyun’s mouth, Seunghyun’s neck, Seunghyun’s collarbones, Seunghyun’s chest. He presses kisses, lingering and soundless on Seunghyun’s hips, his hands are rough on Seunghyun’s thighs. Seunghyun moves accordingly with his every touch and it stirs a pride in his belly. <em>Mine</em>, he thinks, wondering at the thought as if he had suddenly find an oasis. <em>Mine</em>.</p>
<p>He doesn’t realize he voiced the word until Seunghyun’s fingers rake on his scalp.</p>
<p>“Yours. Yours, Daesung.”</p>
<p>He gives the tip of Seunghyun’s cock a lick and the older chants his name. “Mine.”</p>
<p>“Yes, yours.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Daesung relaxes his jaw and pecks Seunghyun’s length, suppressing a smile when Seunghyun jerks his hips up, breathing hard. “Hyung?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Seunghyun pants like a fish out of the water. “Yours. <em>Fuck</em>, I’m sorry, Daesung, I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Oh?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun strokes his hair. “I’m yours. Only yours.”</p>
<p>It sends a shiver down to Daesung’s spine, his heart is hammering in his chest like storm, he has to bite his lip to keep his groan. He swallows hard, bracing himself for the sight as he looks up to Seunghyun.</p>
<p>“<em>Oh</em>,” he stills, thunderstruck, found. Seunghyun is looking at him and there’s regret in his feature, there’s an oath, there’s a <em>real </em>apology. There’s Seunghyun, the one he knows, the one that told him he would never leave. There’s Seunghyun, the one he talked to after their separation. There’s Seunghyun, the one who tried to leave him weeks ago. There’s Seunghyun, now, indulging his jealousy, his selfish side, giving him an acceptance. Seunghyun, here.</p>
<p>“I’ll stay,” Seunghyun smiles, is still smiling when Daesung pouts at him, frowning at him just like when they’re younger and he found out that Seunghyun had zero cares that cigarette could kill people like ticking bombs.</p>
<p>“Stay,” Daesung sighs and momentarily forgets that he’s <em>so</em> close to Seunghyun’s cock. He giggles when Seunghyun shudders as hot air hits his sensitive skin.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Seunghyun chokes out. “Please.”</p>
<p>“If you stay,” Daesung nuzzles the underside of his length and Seunghyun rewards him with a groan. “Will you, hyung?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Seunghyun agrees immediately.</p>
<p>“Good,” Daesung experimentally puts the tip of Seunghyun’s cock in his mouth, smiling around the tight skin when Seunghyun cries out. “Move.”</p>
<p>“Move?”</p>
<p>“Sit,” Daesung pulls back, helping Seunghyun to sit back against the wall. The later voices out his frustration shamelessly but complies nonetheless. “Watch.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>Daesung raises up his eyes until he meets Seunghyun’s. Rush of lust is running beneath his skin but it’s not deafening, it’s holding him. “It’s real,” he touches Seunghyun’s nose with his fingertip. “You.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Seunghyun leans to his touch. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Mine.”</p>
<p>“Yours.”</p>
<p>“Mine?”</p>
<p>“Yours,” Seunghyun nods with a haze. “I’m here.”</p>
<p>“I know,” for the longest time, he finally does. It’s not <em>I know that he will wake up, </em>not<em> I know that he will make it through, </em>not <em>I know that Seunghyun hyung is strong</em>, not <em>I know he didn’t mean it</em>. He knows, all things he doesn’t, and he still doesn’t know, not really, no. It’s okay. “You could’ve died.”</p>
<p>“Daesung?” Seunghyun’s breath is surprised and his hands shot to wipe the tears falling from Daesung’s eyes.</p>
<p>“You come back,” Daesung sobs, uncaring for the world to see, to hear. Hurt and saved and here with Seunghyun. “You did it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Seunghyun’s voice is so thick with guilt. “I’m here.”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>“Of course, Daesung.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” he agrees easily. “Look at me.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Seunghyun takes a deep breath, holding in. “Okay.”</p>
<p>Daesung lowers himself down, his eyes never leaving Seunghyun’s even as he takes Seunghyun’s cock in his mouth. Seunghyun’s jaw falls open and he looks beautiful, even in the dimmest light, even with Daesung’s mind is trained to see him in the dark. Even after all these times.</p>
<p>He moans around the length when Seunghyun touches his hair. The vibration makes Seunghyun jolts his hip and mumbles an apology right afterward. Daesung doesn’t complain, he is smiling, tongue circling the head and tasting the saltiness there, savoring. Seunghyun lets out a curse, soft enough, careful enough not to cause an alarm. His eyelids are heavy and halfway down to close the curtain of his vision but he is watching and Daesung feels so bare, so raw and exposed even as he’s still fully clothed. It makes him mad and selfish and rich and hungry. Insatiable.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>,” Seunghyun is quivering with needs when his cock hits the back of Daesung’s throat, the sight of Daesung’s head bobbing on his lap –it’s too much, he throws his head back. “Daesung, <em>oh god</em>.”</p>
<p>“Nghh,” Daesung manages to whine softly, reprimanding. “Nggghh.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Seunghyun clenches his jaw with determination as he looks down once again, breathless and impossibly hard. Daesung is staring at him, of course. “Okay, I –<em>oh!</em>”</p>
<p>Daesung smirks, as much as he can muster with Seunghyun’s cock in his mouth. His thumb is nearing Seunghyun’s tight skin, he is searing with pleasure, coursing through him making it even more uncomfortable to be still wearing his jeans.</p>
<p>“<em>Daesung</em>,” Seunghyun stutters a warning, fingers tied in Daesung’s hair. “Pull back,” he orders even as he is trying to hold him in place.</p>
<p>Daesung shakes his head, Seunghyun’s cock vibrates happily, leaking and glorious. He takes a deep breath and grips firmly on Seunghyun’s hips, <em>pulling him closer.</em></p>
<p>Seunghyun groans and spends and comes and breaks, apart all at once in his mouth and Daesung takes him, have him, hold him, drowning him and drowning in him like magnet, like dreams, like sun.</p>
<p>Like forgiveness.</p>
<p>Daesung lets himself being dragged up, messy and moans to meet Seunghyun’s eager lips. Seunghyun’s arms are steady around his waist and they’re tangled until the heat calms down, until swollen lips are sore and soft.</p>
<p>“Yours,” Seunghyun vows against Daesung’s ear and the younger cries out, startled and hungry, thrusting uncoordinatedly to Seunghyun’s hand slipping inside his jeans, taking him, persistent and delicate. When he comes, all Daesung can register is white, Seunghyun’s lips on his ear, words that flowing through his veins, glacier of warmth pooling inside his stomach. An anchor. A steady ground.</p>
<p>“Don’t die,” Daesung begins when he gains enough oxygen to speak again, building a bridge, maybe a house of cards.</p>
<p>“I was hoping,” Seunghyun confesses, throat clenching painfully. “That it would end.”</p>
<p>“The pain,” Daesung hums, exhausted. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t scared.”</p>
<p>Daesung rests his chin on Seunghyun’s shoulder, tracing lines of his spine. “You were, when you woke up.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>Daesung bites his lower lip. “I prayed.”</p>
<p>“I know, Daesung.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Don’t be,” Seunghyun’s heart thud painfully. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“I want –,” Daesung swallows thickly, trying to get past the cloud in his brain. “I want to make it right. I prayed….I –I wished that you’d come back…I…”</p>
<p>“I’m here,” Seunghyun assures him, assures them both. “I’m here, Daesung.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Daesung tries again, barely aware of himself shivering. “I <em>knew</em> what you tried to do.”</p>
<p>“Maybe I didn’t,” Seunghyun tells him after a long pause. “I didn’t think. I…I couldn’t, I guess.”</p>
<p>“I should be there.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad you weren’t.”</p>
<p>“If I were there, hyung –”</p>
<p>“I’m glad you are <em>here</em>,” Seunghyun sighs, closing in. “I’m glad we are here.”</p>
<p>“Now,” Daesung closes his eyes. Seunghyun smells like an old book, like a history. Those things he thought he had forgotten but not.</p>
<p>“Now.”</p>
<p>They bask in silence for minutes, counting heartbeats, not thinking about tomorrow.</p>
<p>“They must be looking for us,” Daesung mumbles sleepily.</p>
<p>Seunghyun looks around and finds no place to run, no exit to escape. For once, he is so glad that they’re not in his house where he could easily plan an attempt, another attempt to chicken out and fly the sooner he’s able to. Daesung in his embrace, a comfort, a tent, a furnace, and if God is feeling generous, perhaps also his coming true death wish. Something rumbles in his stomach, a rolling thunder that resembles happiness but closer to a home. His magic trick is to hide, Daesung is the only one fool enough to believe that he would comeback every time. Daesung is the only one fool enough to let him hide in the first place. Daesung is the only one fool enough to be jealous of death, instead of any other girls Seunghyun had dated, had kissed, had had sex with after their separation. Daesung is the only one fool enough to confront him about it, to take him back from hell, to have him.</p>
<p>“Let them,” Seunghyun hushes him, gently lowering them on the floor until Daesung’s still clothed back is flushed against his naked one. “Let everyone.”</p>
<p>They could use a little more time. To clean up, to talk, to be them. And then they will be out, in the open, where Seunghyun wants no longer to disappear.</p>
<p>He makes a plan to love and to be loved, just as much.</p>
<p> </p>
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<p>
  <em>
    <strong>With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite</strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Saturn - Sleeping At Last</strong>
  </em>
</p>
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